Change how you lead: Don’t confuse being less assertive with being disengaged

By Katherine Lewis

Many assertive leaders, who are very comfortable with heated debate and discussion, are often seen as too directive or aggressive. So, they hire an executive coach to smooth out the way they interact with colleagues. Upon getting their 360-degree feedback from supervisors, peers and direct reports, they are told to be, well, less assertive. 

But what I find is that they misinterpret this advice and think maybe they simply need to stop talking and leave their team more to its own devices. But it’s not about not talking, it’s about shifting the way you talk. I’d like to share some advice for using an assertive leadership style to its best advantage and staying engaged without staying quiet. 

Think like a coach. Instead of talking, telling or directing, shift to listening, asking and suggesting. Ask open-ended questions and guide team members to their own insights and decisions rather than solving problems for them. 

Listening is not the same as staying quiet. An easy way to put this into practice is to try to shift your ratio of talking to listening from 80/20 to 20/80. Become suggestive rather than directive. A favorite book of mine on this topic is “The Coaching Habit,” which guides the reader using seven essential questions to demonstrate exactly how to say less and ask more.  

Pay attention to warning signs. If you try to back off and your team seems to be spinning in circles, dealing with conflict, or struggling to make decisions, those are signs you are too disengaged. If you pull back too quickly, your team may be confused. Remember that change doesn’t happen overnight. While they don’t need you to make decisions for them, they do need good guidance. 

Think long term. Leaders who can moderate assertiveness without going to the other extreme of completely disengaging are the most successful. Remember that while your team may have been successful when you were completely taking charge, you were doing more heavy lifting and working extra hard to be successful. The team got used to deferring to you rather than coming up with solutions. If you are working too hard rather than working smart, you aren’t lifting up your successors and you aren’t thinking about stewardship.