Staying centered while handling conflict or hard conversations: Tips for your toolbox
By Katherine Lewis
For the past two years, most business leaders have been operating with singular focus on keeping their company running and their employees motivated during pandemic disruptions. But now that the clouds are beginning to part, more teams and team leaders are running into the day-to-day friction that surfaces when there are minor conflicts among team members. They are finding themselves in the middle of more frequent difficult conversations than they are used to, and they would like better tools for managing conflict at their disposal.
At times like these, the primitive part of our brain, the amygdala, can get the better of us, and we can let emotions rule our choices. And, though the psychologist Daniel Goleman is credited with coining the term “amygdala hijacking” in his book “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ,” all corporate leaders are familiar with the fight-flight-or-freeze response that being in a stressful situation can induce. So, the next time you find yourself struggling with how to advise a colleague, or if you are feeling triggered in the middle of a hard conversation and need to re-center, try one of these strategies:
1. First, be aware. Then, breathe. The first step is realizing that you’ve been triggered. Once you notice that, take some deep breaths. Try placing your hands below the belly button and focus on breathing into your hands, filling your belly on each inhale. Do this for about two minutes. This practice can help you transform anxiety into anticipation and will flood the brain with feel-good chemicals that promote a sense of well-being and trust, like oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin, to help keep the stress hormone cortisol at bay. (For a more detailed explanation, see this prior post and read the graphic called “Excitement Without Breath is Fear.”)
2. Recognize that you can choose your reaction. Recognizing that we can choose how we react is incredibly empowering. Just because we feel someone else is in the wrong, doesn’t mean we have to react in a negative way. It is completely up to us how we react. Slow down rather than responding immediately. Notice how you are reacting and experiment with trying to react in a different, more positive way.
3. Get curious. Ask yourself what might be going on with this person. What’s their situation? What’s a challenge they might be dealing with? Use open-ended questions rather than judgment statements. Remain open-minded and curious about the responses by asking clarifying questions.
4. Get compassionate. Use your active listening skills to understand, not to respond. Acknowledge how the other person is feeling in the situation. Be compassionate and try to picture yourself in their shoes. Remember that the origin of the word compassion is “to suffer with.” Being compassionate can be seen as being of service in the conversation by shouldering some of the suffering or difficulty the person is experiencing while you are listening.
5. Take a 30,000-foot view. “Go to the balcony,” as William Ury, author of “Getting to Yes” suggests. Look at the situation from a higher level to get a broader view or a new perspective. Distancing yourself mentally from what is happening in the moment can help you reset your thoughts and recenter yourself.
6. Listen to a positive voice. If you’re feeling more flight (discouraged or defeated), you may want to try tapping into a positive voice inside your head. Think about a time when you were at your best, your peak performance. What would that part of you say now? Or, think of a time when someone gave you praise or feedback that made you feel great. What would that person say to you now? Remember how it felt to have someone else make you feel good about yourself.
As you re-immerse yourself in the social dynamics of office life, spending some time recalling strategies for addressing delicate and stressful interpersonal situations can keep you centered and your team feeling happy and productive.
For more smart advice that’s tailored to the long-term success of your highly valued teams, contact me at katherine@lewisrushassociates.com.